Sami

He is over 75. He has Parkinson’s. Old and infirm, he had lost his wife last year and his two daughters are abroad. He is a total dependent, physically and otherwise. He is under medications with serious side-effects. He has no ability to control his mind and body.

I did not know he would join us on our journey. It involves public transport on rail and on road. It is the height of summer with temperatures soaring over 38 degrees and it is humid.

It started off without much difficulty one evening. We arrived safely the early morning, the next day. He was in high spirits or whatever we can make out of him.

Then we started off to a place 60 km away. The vehicle was a rickety old one going through bad village roads. At 11.00 am the heat began to show. It was getting sweltery and hotter. We reached the village after the sun peaked. He stayed back in the vehicle while we sprinted to the temple shade to escape our bare feet being scalded in the granite floor.

The temple pond was drying with dying fish and encircling eagles.

When we returned – I noticed. His eyes were dilated and he was running high fever. We needed a cool place – not possible now, and food. We arranged for food at the temple – very fortunate for us. He did not have any of it at all.

We had to abandon our plans to visit other temples and returned to the place where we were staying – 60 km again. His fingers got jammed between the door of the vehicle – I panicked. He did not express any pain – I panicked more. We somehow reached the hotel – all of us were silent throughout the journey.

It was here we got the shock – he cannot move. Not an inch. I looked at his face – it displayed no expression. He just cannot move. We got a wheel chair and I had to physically lift him and place him in the wheel chair. That was the closest I have ever come to face ‘old age’. I did not face ‘old age’ before – it stared at me right into my eyes.

I’ve never thought much of old age before. Anyway, it never scared me.

I’ve thought of death a few times before and have seen it at close quarters a couple of times. It has scared me.

As a matter of fact, ‘old age’ brings back pleasant memories for me. Both my grand mothers share a great deal of credit in shaping my life. Old age for me meant wisdom, benevolence and not getting angry at children. Old age for me was entertainment – with my grand mothers regaling us with folklore and sharing memories of my parents when they were children. They passed judgments which always seem to be right.
Now, when I lifted him, the ‘old age’ put a fright in me – it was worse than the fear of death. It was worse than the fear of life. ‘Old Age’ scared me more than ‘Death’.

Once one is dead - that’s the end all. However, one can experience ‘old age’. It’s so unlike death – one has to depend on others. Once I am dead – I am no longer a dependent.

Not old age. I feel I am useless. I feel I am a vegetable. I feel I am a burden. I feel I am neglected. I feel I am broken. I cannot think for myself. Mind is not free. Body is not free.

I feel I cannot feel. I would not know if others can feel me feeling.

Death is deliverance and you cannot have the pleasure of dying – that’s old age.

I recall a song what my grand mother sang for me regarding old age.

When I am old, when there is no one to depend upon, when the children are grown up and manage themselves, when my eyes are blinded, when my ears cannot hear, when all my teeth are gone, when my tongue slurs, when my legs cannot walk, when my hands are paralysed, when I lose my memory, when my brain is muddled, when the fear of death takes over, when the body slacks down and I ease myself in my clothes seeing the Yama Kinkaras, that is when, Oh God, please make me remember You.

I remember my grand mother.

Ps: Nothing to worry. We got a doctor to examine Sami the same evening. He said Sami was exhausted. Miraculously, he was up and ready next day morning. He did come with us to the temple next day without any ontward incidents and we completed our journey safely. Nevertheless, Sami gave me the fear – the fear of ‘old age’. He also gave me the strength. He is waiting to get his visa to join his daughters abroad.