Small Mercies

SMALL MERCIES

Another one from my uncle.  He fell seriously ill two weeks ago.  Most of us had given up on him.  The only who person who had faith in him was himself.  I visited him at the hospital as frequently as I could.  He had tubes all over him.  He had needles poked into him all the time.  The green flickering line on the monitor atop his bed was always threatening.  

When we admitted him to the hospital, the doctor gave 48 hours.  His eyes never opened.  The monitor told he was alive.  He survived two of those excruciating days.  How they must have been to him – only he can tell.  The doctors shook their heads and gave another 48 days.  We bought him medicines by the kilogram.  His body became a chemical factory – but they kept the monitor flickering and our hopes alive.  We crossed our fingers – not he.  He wouldn’t give up.

Those 48 hours passed too.  His body darkened.  His body showed the strains of the medicine more than the strains of his medical condition.  His arms and face were swollen.  And he opened his eyes.  They had a glazed look.  He wouldn’t give up.

The doctors said he had fluctuations – give him one week.  The week passed.  His eyes were open and he started holding our hands with his one good hand.  He also had hiccups – severe one, each one of them shook him violently.  He put up a strong fight – the strongest I’ve ever seen.  He wouldn’t give up.

He lost his wife.  He lost his mobility.  He lost his senses.  All too soon and all too fast.  What’s going on in his mind?  Nothing?  Something?  He cannot say and we cannot tell.  This man is courageous and wouldn’t give up until there is nothing to give up.  We knew just one thing – he wouldn’t give up.

That was an experience – one of a kind.  It brought up emotions I never knew existed.  I couldn’t manage it.  It wasn’t sadness or sorrow.  I thought it was a problem.  I thought that there was a problem for which I had no solution – indeed all of us; not just I.  Doctors included.  In fact, now I have come to realize that each one of us has to go through this – it is not a problem.  It is a state of life.  For some it is short and for some it is long.  Not one of us can ever hope to bypass this state.

Then two weeks passed.  The stubble grew.  His arms were not so swollen.  He started looking around.  The glazed look was gone.  The colour in his face was back.  With one good hand he gestured and got his ring back!

That’s some progress.  A few of us were there.  Suddenly a thought came up – we decided to have coffee at the hospital cafeteria.  We all went there – but the vendor said – no coffee – no milk.  Seeing us disappointed, he went bought some milk and prepared coffee for us.  We had our coffees standing, in small plastic cups and smiling at each other.

That was one of the biggest parties I’ve had.  The coffee was a big celebration.  All were glad.  All looked very relieved.  We all smiled and decided to put up a fight too.  Poor guy - my uncle would have given his arm to be with us and enjoy this cup (that’s irony of life).

Despite all the struggles – we always look up for small mercies. The big struggle makes you look forward to these small mercies.  This joy is something that nothing else can give.  Enjoy while the going is good – as for the struggle, well, you have to put up a fight.  Just do it!

Attitude

Today is Friday. Time is around 6.30 in the morning. I am just about waking up. I have to go to work one more day before the weekend breaks the routine. I want to return early from office and I hate giving pretexts. I just want to come back early but I am not going to do it. That is how I get up from bed – with a cringing mentality.

I just have to go through this grind. I brush my teeth, have coffee and sit down with the newspaper. It is depressing. First it is the office and then the newspaper puts me down further.

Half an hour later I am resigned to go through the grooves. My daughter comes running straight from bed. She just got up from bed and with not a sign of after-sleep grogginess comes running to me. She seemed to highly enthused. Her eyes, bright and wide, tell me that she has something great to say and very important. More important than all the news that I pay for.

I wait anxiously. Fine, I think, what is it that you want me to buy for you today.

“I am unable to breathe properly since I got up” she says.

“Do you have a blocked nose” I ask.

“One is good. No problem”, she says.

“Take care. You need to be careful. Don’t play in water.” I say.

Then, I bite my lips. That was not a complaint! She was breaking the happy news to me. She’s got cold. That’s the biggest news of her life for that day. She actually was feeling great that she had cold. What could be a better gift than receiving something without asking. She positively enjoyed it – annoyance notwithstanding.

She realizes this as soon as she gets up. Then she decides that this intrusion of affliction is the best thing that could have ever happened to her. Her life has changed. She wants to share this life’s surprise with me and comes running.

That was one of the harshest slaps I ever received. Here she is – all innocence – enjoying the pain, the hardship. Here I was – restricting her attitude. I was admonishing her – don’t do this, don’t do that.

We parents think we teach our children what is good and what is bad; what is right and what is wrong. You see – they know what is good and whatever is good is right. They do not know what is bad and what is wrong. There is no need to know.

What we think is our perception. We should unlearn what we have learnt as adults and learn from our children what is good – you will be surprised. I was.

What sort of parents are we anyway. I sometimes feel that it is children who should be parenting their fathers and mothers.

PS: I did come back from office early :-)

Heart and Soul

We have heard the eternal fight between the mind and the heart. They are always on the collision course. The mind says its correct and the heart says its wrong and then you decide based on who wins in this battle. And there is no end to this battle.

You know your mind and you know your heart. You know this battle. You allow them to fight. You know who wins. It makes you happy and it makes you sad.

This battle is at a superficial level. There is another battle that rages at a more fundamental level. That is the fight between the heart and the soul.

So far in my life I could not distinguish between the heart and the soul. The common adage goes ‘heart and soul’. Are they hand in hand? Are they two different entities? I never knew.

Heart is concerned with life and soul is concerned with the life in life. Heart is the slave of soul. The heart is not aware of this and the soul is aware that the heart is not aware. As a matter of fact, my apprehension is soul is not bothered about the heart. Though the heart is subservient, he thinks that he is the Master.

The mind is influenced by the senses and influences the senses. The heart influences the mind but it may or may not be influenced by mind. The soul is the uninfluenced by either the mind or the heart. That is why it is constant and never changing. Soul’s behavior cannot be gauged at all – like saying white is very colourful.

I have never witnessed the fight between the heart and soul so far. But, I am witnessing a magnificent war waged between the two, right now. Who is going to win is a foregone conclusion but the fight itself is no less heroic than any war that has ever been fought.

My uncle is fighting for his life. He has given up on himself – the loss of his beloved has broken him emotionally. His body has given up on him. His mind has given up on him. His heart has not given up on him – is it because of the soul? His heart with steely nerves, grit and determination to survive is full of hope for himself. While his soul watches with an unattached attitude – I am not sure of this but that is what I feel. The biggest fighter is one who never fights – just watches patiently and without any show of emotions.

The soul is not bothered with life but the heart is. If this is so why is the soul keeping the heart alive? That’s a question between the heart and soul. We can only watch it – we have no control over the soul.

I only wonder – why doesn’t the soul have heart?

TRUST

We take ourselves for granted. And we take others for granted. We trust ourselves and others.

When I want something I reach out with my hand. When I see a hurdle I just jump over. When I hear someone I retort. We take our limbs for granted. We take our senses for granted. We expect them to obey our commands like obedient slaves. Mostly they do – but not always.

We trust them. We expect them to obey. Totally. Like our pets. Like making our dogs shake hands or fetch something. There isn’t much gaining by making a dog shake hands or fetch things. Nothing for us, at least. But we do – because we expect them to do our bidding. Just because we enjoy the fact that they obey us – and we trust them to obey us.

And once in a while they don’t.

That’s when the world changes. The initial reaction is a sense of total disbelief. It just cannot be that commands are disobeyed.

Today morning I got a call at an unearthly hour from my uncle’s place. He was lying on the bed. His breathing was shallow.

His eyes were wide open. They expressed total disbelief. A sense of shock. He couldn’t believe that someone wouldn’t obey his commands. His own limbs. One of his hands wouldn’t obey him. One of his legs wouldn’t obey him. He cannot express. The mouth disobeyed him. But his eyes still did. A moment where eyes talked, the heart listened and the mind wouldn’t believe.

He tried raising his left hand. Good boy – it is up. Wriggle the fingers – good boy. Turn your wrist – great going. Fine - raise your right arm now. Nope! If the right hand had eyes they would be as expressive as an indignant cat’s eye. Try hard buster – here I’ll help with my left arm. Nope! I just can’t believe that one part wouldn’t listen to the other. How is it that I can’t obey myself? The only thing he could trust then was his eyes – they shed tears. Trust me.

He was okay one moment and was paralysed the next. His right side was not obeying him. And he cannot understand how it could be that way. These are my parts of body – they had better obey. No! They wouldn’t. The trust was betrayed.

When we cannot afford to trust ourselves why do we take ourselves for granted. When we can’t trust ourselves where is the question of trusting others?

The more the trust, the more the disbelief when the trust is broken.

When the mind is the master and the heart is a slave, the trust is broken.

When the heart is the master and the mind is a slave, there is no trust. Nothing is taken for granted. Trust is matter of the heart, not the mind. You cannot break a trust that isn’t there. At least you need not disbelieve. Have heart.

Peripa, K Ramaswamy – 16.12.2005 0430 a.m.