MJ

Amsterdam Dribble

Ingenuity

I’ve often heard that the people of Mumbai are resourceful. I’ve heard several rags to riches stories of people who have risen due to their ingenuity.

I can recollect two such instances and both with taxi drivers.

The first one was very courteous and dropped us where we wanted and when getting down he told us that he wouldn’t mind waiting for us for an hour to take us back. That was very pleasing. Of course, he wasn’t there when I returned. That was plan B for him – just in case he was not able to get other customers while he waited. I was a bit peeved he wasn’t there but I appreciate him for thinking up of such things. Only Mumbaikars can do this.

The other one was from a taxi driver too. I completed my work and wanted to get home fast. It was just before nightfall.

Since the first driver wasn’t there I had to take another. This one was an old sardarji – a very genial looking person. When I told him the destination, he was hesitating. He had a benign look. He did not want to say no but then he did not want to come either. While he squirmed to take a decision, an equally old man tried to convince him. On the one hand, his friend was trying to convince him to go and on the other hand, here I was putting up a sad looking face cajoling him with my eyes. How can he say ‘No’.

Well, after a minute’s dilemma, he agreed.

I was overjoyed. He would take me after all. Without losing a second, I got into the car. He came around turned on the meter and got into the driver’s seat. He closed the door and started the engine. He shifted gears and we were on the road. A few swishes with the steering and we were leaving other vehicles behind in the highway.

A few minutes on and he started the conversation. He said, ‘I am extremely sorry about the initial response. I would never refuse a bada (customer). The fact is its almost end of daylight now and I can’t see in the night. You see – I have this cataract’.

My heart popped out! It’s a two hour drive. I’ve done some wild things in my life but have never dared drive with a blind driver. With my knees weakening and something happening in the pit of my stomach, I told him, ‘Are you sure. Do you want me to get down’. He just guffawed and carried on.

PS: Of course, I reached my destination. He took me in his car as far as the daylight allowed. Then he waved down another taxi – gave him the directions, took what was due to him and I was on my way again. Thanks to Mumbai’s ingenuity.

Small Mercies

SMALL MERCIES

Another one from my uncle.  He fell seriously ill two weeks ago.  Most of us had given up on him.  The only who person who had faith in him was himself.  I visited him at the hospital as frequently as I could.  He had tubes all over him.  He had needles poked into him all the time.  The green flickering line on the monitor atop his bed was always threatening.  

When we admitted him to the hospital, the doctor gave 48 hours.  His eyes never opened.  The monitor told he was alive.  He survived two of those excruciating days.  How they must have been to him – only he can tell.  The doctors shook their heads and gave another 48 days.  We bought him medicines by the kilogram.  His body became a chemical factory – but they kept the monitor flickering and our hopes alive.  We crossed our fingers – not he.  He wouldn’t give up.

Those 48 hours passed too.  His body darkened.  His body showed the strains of the medicine more than the strains of his medical condition.  His arms and face were swollen.  And he opened his eyes.  They had a glazed look.  He wouldn’t give up.

The doctors said he had fluctuations – give him one week.  The week passed.  His eyes were open and he started holding our hands with his one good hand.  He also had hiccups – severe one, each one of them shook him violently.  He put up a strong fight – the strongest I’ve ever seen.  He wouldn’t give up.

He lost his wife.  He lost his mobility.  He lost his senses.  All too soon and all too fast.  What’s going on in his mind?  Nothing?  Something?  He cannot say and we cannot tell.  This man is courageous and wouldn’t give up until there is nothing to give up.  We knew just one thing – he wouldn’t give up.

That was an experience – one of a kind.  It brought up emotions I never knew existed.  I couldn’t manage it.  It wasn’t sadness or sorrow.  I thought it was a problem.  I thought that there was a problem for which I had no solution – indeed all of us; not just I.  Doctors included.  In fact, now I have come to realize that each one of us has to go through this – it is not a problem.  It is a state of life.  For some it is short and for some it is long.  Not one of us can ever hope to bypass this state.

Then two weeks passed.  The stubble grew.  His arms were not so swollen.  He started looking around.  The glazed look was gone.  The colour in his face was back.  With one good hand he gestured and got his ring back!

That’s some progress.  A few of us were there.  Suddenly a thought came up – we decided to have coffee at the hospital cafeteria.  We all went there – but the vendor said – no coffee – no milk.  Seeing us disappointed, he went bought some milk and prepared coffee for us.  We had our coffees standing, in small plastic cups and smiling at each other.

That was one of the biggest parties I’ve had.  The coffee was a big celebration.  All were glad.  All looked very relieved.  We all smiled and decided to put up a fight too.  Poor guy - my uncle would have given his arm to be with us and enjoy this cup (that’s irony of life).

Despite all the struggles – we always look up for small mercies. The big struggle makes you look forward to these small mercies.  This joy is something that nothing else can give.  Enjoy while the going is good – as for the struggle, well, you have to put up a fight.  Just do it!

Attitude

Today is Friday. Time is around 6.30 in the morning. I am just about waking up. I have to go to work one more day before the weekend breaks the routine. I want to return early from office and I hate giving pretexts. I just want to come back early but I am not going to do it. That is how I get up from bed – with a cringing mentality.

I just have to go through this grind. I brush my teeth, have coffee and sit down with the newspaper. It is depressing. First it is the office and then the newspaper puts me down further.

Half an hour later I am resigned to go through the grooves. My daughter comes running straight from bed. She just got up from bed and with not a sign of after-sleep grogginess comes running to me. She seemed to highly enthused. Her eyes, bright and wide, tell me that she has something great to say and very important. More important than all the news that I pay for.

I wait anxiously. Fine, I think, what is it that you want me to buy for you today.

“I am unable to breathe properly since I got up” she says.

“Do you have a blocked nose” I ask.

“One is good. No problem”, she says.

“Take care. You need to be careful. Don’t play in water.” I say.

Then, I bite my lips. That was not a complaint! She was breaking the happy news to me. She’s got cold. That’s the biggest news of her life for that day. She actually was feeling great that she had cold. What could be a better gift than receiving something without asking. She positively enjoyed it – annoyance notwithstanding.

She realizes this as soon as she gets up. Then she decides that this intrusion of affliction is the best thing that could have ever happened to her. Her life has changed. She wants to share this life’s surprise with me and comes running.

That was one of the harshest slaps I ever received. Here she is – all innocence – enjoying the pain, the hardship. Here I was – restricting her attitude. I was admonishing her – don’t do this, don’t do that.

We parents think we teach our children what is good and what is bad; what is right and what is wrong. You see – they know what is good and whatever is good is right. They do not know what is bad and what is wrong. There is no need to know.

What we think is our perception. We should unlearn what we have learnt as adults and learn from our children what is good – you will be surprised. I was.

What sort of parents are we anyway. I sometimes feel that it is children who should be parenting their fathers and mothers.

PS: I did come back from office early :-)

Heart and Soul

We have heard the eternal fight between the mind and the heart. They are always on the collision course. The mind says its correct and the heart says its wrong and then you decide based on who wins in this battle. And there is no end to this battle.

You know your mind and you know your heart. You know this battle. You allow them to fight. You know who wins. It makes you happy and it makes you sad.

This battle is at a superficial level. There is another battle that rages at a more fundamental level. That is the fight between the heart and the soul.

So far in my life I could not distinguish between the heart and the soul. The common adage goes ‘heart and soul’. Are they hand in hand? Are they two different entities? I never knew.

Heart is concerned with life and soul is concerned with the life in life. Heart is the slave of soul. The heart is not aware of this and the soul is aware that the heart is not aware. As a matter of fact, my apprehension is soul is not bothered about the heart. Though the heart is subservient, he thinks that he is the Master.

The mind is influenced by the senses and influences the senses. The heart influences the mind but it may or may not be influenced by mind. The soul is the uninfluenced by either the mind or the heart. That is why it is constant and never changing. Soul’s behavior cannot be gauged at all – like saying white is very colourful.

I have never witnessed the fight between the heart and soul so far. But, I am witnessing a magnificent war waged between the two, right now. Who is going to win is a foregone conclusion but the fight itself is no less heroic than any war that has ever been fought.

My uncle is fighting for his life. He has given up on himself – the loss of his beloved has broken him emotionally. His body has given up on him. His mind has given up on him. His heart has not given up on him – is it because of the soul? His heart with steely nerves, grit and determination to survive is full of hope for himself. While his soul watches with an unattached attitude – I am not sure of this but that is what I feel. The biggest fighter is one who never fights – just watches patiently and without any show of emotions.

The soul is not bothered with life but the heart is. If this is so why is the soul keeping the heart alive? That’s a question between the heart and soul. We can only watch it – we have no control over the soul.

I only wonder – why doesn’t the soul have heart?

TRUST

We take ourselves for granted. And we take others for granted. We trust ourselves and others.

When I want something I reach out with my hand. When I see a hurdle I just jump over. When I hear someone I retort. We take our limbs for granted. We take our senses for granted. We expect them to obey our commands like obedient slaves. Mostly they do – but not always.

We trust them. We expect them to obey. Totally. Like our pets. Like making our dogs shake hands or fetch something. There isn’t much gaining by making a dog shake hands or fetch things. Nothing for us, at least. But we do – because we expect them to do our bidding. Just because we enjoy the fact that they obey us – and we trust them to obey us.

And once in a while they don’t.

That’s when the world changes. The initial reaction is a sense of total disbelief. It just cannot be that commands are disobeyed.

Today morning I got a call at an unearthly hour from my uncle’s place. He was lying on the bed. His breathing was shallow.

His eyes were wide open. They expressed total disbelief. A sense of shock. He couldn’t believe that someone wouldn’t obey his commands. His own limbs. One of his hands wouldn’t obey him. One of his legs wouldn’t obey him. He cannot express. The mouth disobeyed him. But his eyes still did. A moment where eyes talked, the heart listened and the mind wouldn’t believe.

He tried raising his left hand. Good boy – it is up. Wriggle the fingers – good boy. Turn your wrist – great going. Fine - raise your right arm now. Nope! If the right hand had eyes they would be as expressive as an indignant cat’s eye. Try hard buster – here I’ll help with my left arm. Nope! I just can’t believe that one part wouldn’t listen to the other. How is it that I can’t obey myself? The only thing he could trust then was his eyes – they shed tears. Trust me.

He was okay one moment and was paralysed the next. His right side was not obeying him. And he cannot understand how it could be that way. These are my parts of body – they had better obey. No! They wouldn’t. The trust was betrayed.

When we cannot afford to trust ourselves why do we take ourselves for granted. When we can’t trust ourselves where is the question of trusting others?

The more the trust, the more the disbelief when the trust is broken.

When the mind is the master and the heart is a slave, the trust is broken.

When the heart is the master and the mind is a slave, there is no trust. Nothing is taken for granted. Trust is matter of the heart, not the mind. You cannot break a trust that isn’t there. At least you need not disbelieve. Have heart.

Peripa, K Ramaswamy – 16.12.2005 0430 a.m.

Endearing Ganesha

I am not an artist by any stretch of imagination.

It has become a practice for me to make a clay idol of Lord Ganesha for his birthday – Ganesha Chathurti – every year.

I wonder how I make these because I can’t make anything else out of clay or, for that matter, out of anything. I do not plan how to make a Ganesha – I start making and He ends up being a Ganesha.

When I was a lad, this festival was next only to Deepavali in terms of having to look forward to it months in advance. Neighbours used to pool in money to buy a large Ganesha idol. We used to celebrate in our house as it had a large hall. We had the festivities for ten days and on the tenth day the festivities reach the climax with the immersion of the idol in a nearby lake. That’s how I got introduced to this God.

When we moved out of the city, my brother, used to make Ganesha idols every year. When I got a job and moved out – I started making my own idols. I have been doing this for the past few years and all, I think, have come out satisfactorily. People who have looked at it have appreciated, even in my absence – so I understand from my wife.

How do you make Ganesha – well, I wouldn’t know. All that I know is that he has to have an elephant’s face and man body, an obese one at that. He has to have a huge belly and cherubic face with a child like innocent expression in his eyes. That’s how I see him. He could be of any size, shape, colour, stance and demeanour.

The Ganesha I made last year looked majestic, regal and seemed like a person sitting over judgement on every thing that happens in the world. This year He is relaxed and seems as though He is enjoying himself in a beach resort.

Today while making Him, I wondered at Him, how do You take shape. It’s definitely not due to my ability or skills. And then it struck me.

It is not what I make becomes a Ganesha. It is what I see becomes a Ganesha. Whatever form He takes, the fact is I look at it as Ganesha. And when you see something you come to love you see no blemishes. When others see it, they see it with love and affection and see no blemishes either. That is why He is the One who removes blemishes. I feel that He never removes them – He only makes you not see them. . It’s all about endearment. That I feel is what humanity is all about. And that’s what Godliness is all about.

When you see with love – whatever be it – you do not see blemishes.

That is why Ganesha is a ubiquitous God in India. Hope we all see Ganesha in everyone and everything. Hope we all see no blemishes in everyone and everything.

Ganesh Chathurti – 07^th September 2005

Security Paranoia

It’s no exaggeration to say that we are terrorizing ourselves to death. This feeling of insecurity has pervaded every possible life stream and has permeated the very depths of life’s core values. All in the name of security.

It hampers life. Life which was so easy before is now becoming increasingly difficult. From big things in life to small. Either people are willing to pay the price for establishing and maintaining a sense of security or they are mute witnesses to the apathetic display of mundane security procedures. It gets really silly sometimes.

Just a few years ago, resetting my password was a breeze. I used to send a mail to a nice woman wishing her a good morning with a request to change the password if she wouldn’t mind. I get a reply within ten minutes with the reset password and also letting me know about the weather there. The new password would be humorous and once I enter the application I can resume work by changing the password of my choice. I would sometimes call her to thank or she would call just to ensure that my work is not held up. That way she showed she cared and simultaneously ensured I was the right person.

Now it’s different. I need to raise a request over an intrepidly named application which keeps track of how many times I reset my password. There are multiple pages of rows and columns and they are so cumbersome it wouldn’t allow me to proceed until I exactly filled what it asked for – every time. Then I get a reply not in 10 minutes but almost instantly – auto reply. It thanks me for sending a request and says that I can expect a response within two working days – I can twiddle my thumbs in the office until then. After two days I get the password over two emails encrypted and asking me to fill up strangely shaped characters. And if I do not change the password within a stipulated time the password would commit hara-kiri. If people can blow themselves up so can passwords. It’s so complex, I cannot remember it and even if I could, the passwords are expected to live for 15 days and they would blow themselves up then, if not on day 1. So, I write my password down very dutifully which defeats the very purpose of security! No one can expect me to remember an eight digit password with no letter of the alphabet repeating, with at least one numeric and one non alpha-numeric character (these are the strange characters you find on top of the numbers keys in your key board). I have a strange rule to change the password every fifteen days – over a time I discovered – everyone has the same rule – so much for password security.

This one takes the cake. Yesterday, I took an exam. As I was sitting nervously in the lounge after filling up the security register at the lobby, the security guy passes me by and then back again and while doing so he says, jackets aren’t allowed inside and it has to be kept out. I pack it away and return to my lounge seat. A couple of minutes later, the same security guy passes me by and while returning says watches aren’t allowed inside and I repeat the process. The third time he passes me by, he says pens aren’t allowed inside and off it goes. Now I am exasperated – and sure enough he passes me by the fourth time, I take my fingers to the buttoned shirt and I unilaterally offer to take it off. He said with a stern face that I can take the exam with the shirt on.

And to think that this was just the precursor. This guy who is supposed to check your id looks like a judge who has just passed the death sentence. The admit letter says I need to carry two identity proofs and employer id is not considered as an id proof. Perhaps, I should have carried my death sentence pronouncement with my photograph and signature.

First I submit my eligibility letter and then my primary id – my passport and then my secondary identification with a five year old photograph. He writes down the id numbers and allows me to take the exam.

The sad part is – the names in the eligibility letter, the primary identity and the secondary identity were not identical though they all were mine and genuine and I was the right person. (I would count the spaces in between names as differences). I would have expected him to ask for a clarification but then I cannot give a clarification once the death sentence is passed – can I. I counted myself lucky.

They had processes, they had protocols, and they had checklists. What they did not have was to do the right thing the right way at the right time. That needs common sense.

Common sense could have prevented the person from entering the country who was refused a visa earlier – he couldn’t have piloted the plane into the building. Common sense would have prevented seven bullets entering the head of an innocent man.

That’s the price we need to pay for our own sense of security.

CID

CID – Means Confused Indian Desi. Well, that’s what it is supposed to do – confuse.

I watched the latter half of a movie ‘Desi Fever’ or something to that effect. It was a nice and simple story.

There are Indians who have completely moved over to become more Americans than Americans and there are Indians in America who are more Indian than Indians. And there are a few in-between Indians who are both part Indian and part American and a few who are neither Indians nor Americans.

I’ve seen people who travel abroad for a living suddenly seem to face an identity crisis - Who are we? This crisis seems to affect only those who are living abroad.

Whatever the reason, it’s good to have a crisis to answer their eternal quest. The person who would appreciate Indian classical dance a few years ago eulogises about Yoga and Bhagavad-Gita after his return from ‘The States’. Some who were oblivious to religion have turned very pious and at least outwardly very orthodox. The person feels he has achieved salvation but then he wouldn’t want to return either. He wants both moola (money) and moolah (root). This apparent paradox is positive because this quest has made Indians achieve more there rather than here.

We question ourselves only when we are out of our country. Whatever the type of ideology that might develop Indian, American, Indian-American or American-Indian, the effect it has had has been tremendous. I wouldn’t know if anyone who has lived abroad has been absolutely uninfluenced. What is more important is the questioning not so much the solution that he is after.

But then, why is that only the people who go or live abroad face this crisis. Why do we Indians, who live in India, never face this identity crisis. I think we should face this crisis now rather than at any other point of time. When India is spreading its tentacles in all spheres across the globe, the globe is finding refuge in India.

So far, I’ve never asked who am I while in India. Its time I did – and become a Confused Indian Desi. It doesn’t matter what the solution is going to be – whatever it is it is going to lead us to becoming a glorious country.

We were bound by apathy – let’s question ourselves and achieve real freedom.

15^th August 2005